if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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