I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
