his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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