Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And then my night got REAL pukey
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
