Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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