Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize