Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
