He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
