I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
