3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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