Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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