youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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