I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
