my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
