Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
