my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
