I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
