Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
