I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
