If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
