I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
