i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
