Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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