Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
My pussy is not your playground.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
