you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
