found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
So squirting runs in the family.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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