Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just cropdusted the office
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
