I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
