i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
