I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize