they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She even gives head with a lisp.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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