my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
