Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
