now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
