I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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