Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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