I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
