I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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