did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
