I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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