thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
