rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
