I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
