Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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