All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
