I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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