fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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