I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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