At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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