When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
