when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm at about main and main street
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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