So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
