normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
