Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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