Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
