I got chris browned last night
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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