I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
