Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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