I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
