why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
