Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
