I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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