Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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