we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize