Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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