Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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