A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
