I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
