What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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