Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hippo gnu deer
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
