my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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