Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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