Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
