I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
