there's paper in my vomit.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
