It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
