then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
