i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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