i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We are all done wearing pants today
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
that may or may not have been my penis.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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