god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
